Burn, baby, burn! (Calories, that is)

Whoever thought of exercising in the winter was e-vil. The fru-its of the dev-il(all credit to Mike Meyers). In fact, I'll go so far as to say they are sick. Someone tranquilize them before they come up with another flash of cruel brilliance.




First of all, winter is not kind to skin color. The freakish, unnatural shades of white my skin can achieve in the winter may, in fact, be signs of some genetic mutation run amok, and this doesn't even begin to touch upon the unholy texture.




Secondly, exercise fashions are not made to conceal the lumpy, day-old oatmeal color and texture of a winterized me. How, pray tell, is the exposure of such a thing supposed to encourage me to want to move to the point where the oatmeal DANCES in the fiendish, frenetic motion of Jell-O on crack, all while staining my face a wholly unattractive shade of purple-red, severely compromising my ability to breathe and causing previously unmolested, peacable muscles to quiver in pain, fear and degradation?! I ask you!!!!





And yet, I persevere. Why? Because I was gullible enough to believe some liar on an infomercial who said the oatmeal look didn't have to be permanent. That I could have ripped abs, lethal guns, and rockin' thighs that would make Cindy Crawford weep with envy. All I have to do is make the oatmeal dance the Crack Dance for a little while every day.







What never ceases to amaze me is that there are people who are brave enough to do the Crack Dance in PUBLIC!! I lack such spine and gumption. No. No, I will do my belly-flopping push-ups and weepy, gasping crunches in the confines of my tightly locked, blinds-drawn, LIGHTS OFF house. No one will see me drop that 5-lb. dumbell on my head because my wussy arm muscles gave out mid-tricep lift. I will strain in solitude for one more sidekick as my hip flexors scream for mercy, offering to make a deal with my skin to erase all stretch marks, if I will just make it STOP! I prefer to have no audience as I collapse in a now mushy puddle of oatmeal, clawing the ground in the vain hope that it will bring more oxygen into my ravaged body.


All this, so I may one day say....




Cry, Cindy, cry!

A T-Shirt By Any Other Name....(would still make me snort-laugh a beverage)

I have a teensy-weensy, mild....OBSESSION with funny t-shirts. This may, perhaps, be due to the fact my somewhat prodigious dimensions in the torso category make the wearing of t-shirts a most regrettable fashion option, but the expressive capacity here is enormous.



Thus, I am fated to pine for these jewels.....













....and of course, these beauties are just begging to be worn.





























You can make political statements....










...observations about your personal character...











...boast of your athletic prowess...










...or lack thereof.














Or you could aspire to be the greatest of all Speakers of T: The Philosopher.







That is so deeeeep.

The Color of Me

So I took this Color Quiz that I found on Marni's blog, who got it from Anth's blog's whose knee bone's connected to the thigh bone. Thigh bone's connected to the....Ahem, Where was I? Ah, yes. This is a bit...freakishly accurate, actually. And the quiz itself is incredibly brief and simple.

My results are:

Your Existing Situation
Authoritative or in a position of authority, but liable to feel that further progress is rendered problematical by existing difficulties. Perseveres despite opposition. (Hmmmm. Highly bossy and stubborn, likes it that way, looking for opportunities to be bossy with impunity. Stubbornness assures that said opportunity shall be found. Are my education dollars paying off or what?)

Your Stress Sources
Has an unsatisfied need to ally herself with others whose standards are as high as her own, and to stand out from the herd. This desire for preeminence isolates her and inhibits her readiness to give herself freely. While she wants to surrender and let herself go, she regards this as a weakness which must be resisted. This self-restraint, she feels, will lift her above the rank and file and ensure recognition as a unique and distinctive personality.(Makes me sound kinda snobby. I don't FEEL snobby. But I am assured that I am unique and distinctive, so I guess it's working.)

Your Restrained Characteristics
Has high emotional demands and is willing to involve herself in a close relationship, but not with any great depth of feeling.
Conditions are such that she will not let herself become intimately involved without making mental reservations.(Yeah. Did I mention I'm not dating?)


Your Desired Objective
Needs a change in her circumstances or in her relationships which will permit relief from stress. Seeking a solution which will open up new and better possibilities and allow hopes to be fulfilled. (Going to school, gonna get a job that lets me have MONEY to DO STUFF.And be COOL. Because when you're lacking innate coolness, money will have to suffice.)


Your Actual Problem
Feels insufficiently valued in her existing situation, and is seeking different conditions in which she will have greater opportunity of demonstrating her worth. (Now I sound all selfish. Did I mention this was freakishly accurate?)

Well?! Your turn!!

Body Image

Okay, ladies. We all know that this is an issue for pretty nearly every one of us. It's become a part of our cultural identity at this point. Sometimes, I think people who really feel just fine about themselves lie about it because they think it makes them normal. But, I have discovered that men have many of the same issues. Only their body parts of issue vary. So I introduce to you Danny Evans (whom many of you probably already know and are thinking this is like introducing Elvis, or George Washington or Neil Diamond). Regardless, I have been enjoying him and this is a letter every woman should read.


An Open Letter to....

Enjoy!

Normal Mormons Do LDS

Having been shamed inspired by Casey's blog, ahem, I must rise in fervid defense of my faith!!!

First of all, I'd like to point out that those freaks in Texas have NOTHING to do with my religion. They can claim that fundamentalist crap all they want to, but all I'm gonna do is hand them a shovel and tell them to keep diggin'. And I'll wear a sturdy pair of noseplugs to block the stench of what they're shovelling. How's that for religious tolerance, huh?!

I have no patience for this sort of thing. My religion is little enough understood as it is, but to have people associating this kind of evil with it really chaps my hide.

For the record:

• Polygamous Mormon is an oxymoron. It was a practice of limited scope and duration, and has not been used in over a century. Let it go, people!!
  
• Anyone who treated their kids the way those people have would be ex-communicated before you could say Joseph Smith.
  
• We do not hide from the world. Indeed, we are encouraged constantly to "be in the world, but not of it".
  
• We do not believe the world is populated with Satan's minions. People are good!
  
• We are encouraged to educate ourselves, to be of service (both personally and civically), to keep our minds and bodies pure, to create homes that are havens for our families and their friends, to be loving, honest and honorable.
  
• We believe in the power of repentance, faith and forgiveness.
  
• We DO NOT believe in isolation, torture or repression or in forcing people to do ANYTHING.
  
• We believe in eternal families, eternal life, and eternal joy.
  
• We believe that pretty much everybody is going to make it to heaven.
  
• We are, first and foremost, believers in, followers of, and delighters in Christ. He is our Rock and our Salvation. There is none other before Him. It is our goal to pattern our lives after Him, so that through Him, we may return to our beloved Father.
  

Along this note of fallacies, misapprehensions and downright falsehoods that seem to float endlessly around regarding my LDS faith, my friend Colton and I were comparing some of our favorites. My personal favorite has to be a tie between my high school finance teacher assuring me with grave intensity that he "knew all about the Ceremony of the Squirrels" we held in our temples, and the new kid at my cousin's school who stared at her all day before finally screwing up his courage enough to ask where her horns were. Come on, people! I think I'm going to have to add Colton's to my list and call it a three-way, though.

Here's his story:

A man approaches him and says he knows what the towers in Salt Lake temple are for.

'Sat so?, says Colton. "Well, maybe you'd better tell me, 'cause I've been in 'em and I didn't see anything."

The man, disregarding this empirical evidence, states emphatically, "You use them to hide your virgins for your secret sacrifices."

"Well,if they're so secret how do you know about them?" Colton reasonably queries.

"One of them escaped."

"How'd she manage that?"

"She jumped out of the window into the Salt Lake and swam away."




To which Colton wisely responded, "Then I suggest you go find that girl and recruit her for the Olympic team. Because even with a 200 ft. high leg up, anyone who can jump over a mile is well worth pursuing for the track team!"


Eh-HEH.(In the interests of fairness, this man was Canadian and clearly had not the slightest ability to use Google Earth knowledge of the geography of Salt Lake City.)

What about you, Bloggers? What ridiculous myths exist about your faiths? Do you have any favorites you'd care to share?

'Nuf Said

Now, really, if your average picture is worth a thousand words, this one must have entire reams devoted to it. No matter how you feel about any given candidate, this is politics in a nutshell.

I'm With the Gipper

“It is truly fitting that America observe April 9 in recognition of our former prisoners of war; that date is the 46th anniversary of the day in 1942 when U.S. forces holding out on the Bataan Peninsula in the Philippines were captured. Later, as prisoners of war, these gallant Americans were subjected to the infamous Bataan Death March and to other inhumane treatment that killed thousands of them before they could be liberated. In every conflict, brutality has invariably been meted out to American prisoners of war; on April 9 and every day, we must remember with solemn pride and gratitude that valor and tenacity have ever been our prisoners’ response... To our former prisoners of war who endured so much, we say that with your example and with God’s help we will seek to meet the standards of devotion you have set; we will never forget your service or your sacrifice.” —Ronald Reagan






To all the Vets and those who are currently fighting, I thank you. And know that for as long as you fight to defend me there, I will fight to defend you here. America is the greatest and you are why. You are in my thoughts and my prayers. I'm so proud of every one of you. Thank you.