You Might Be a Mormon If...........

-its not "the early bird catches the worm" its, "the seminary student gets into college"

-you say "provo", "salt lake", or "palmyra" without the state and automatically assume that the whole world knows where those places are

-there is a son on a mission and mom is pregnant with another.


-you know what a "fireside" is

-You go to a church potluck and there is every type of jello imaginable

-8 kids in a family is "average"

-your 14th and 16th birthdays are the best birthdays of your life

-you think "heck" is the place for people who do not believe in "gosh"

-you know how to pronounce and spell Mahonri Moriancumer

-you know what ZL, DL, AP, PPI, BYC, SYC, YSA, GA, EQP, EFY, YC, CTR, and BYU all stand for

-Modest is Hottest

-Youth Conference, EFY, and Girls Camp are the best 3 weeks of the year!

-mormon movies are amazing and Kirby Heyborne is your hero

-you drive into the church parking lot and at least half the lot is filled with 12 passenger vans

-you "Bless this food to nourish and strengthen" your body before eating doughnuts

-going 24 hours without eating is no longer a challenging thing

-a "Caffeine High" is eating a king size chocolate bar

-pick-up lines are the greatest things ever!

-"How many wives does your dad have?" is often the first question asked when someone finds out that you're mormon

-parents are disappointed if their kid "only" got into Harvard

-buying a prom dress is the most difficult thing of your life

-"Mormon, mormon, mormon, mormon,
Mormon, mormon, mormon, mormon.

I know a mormon boy,
He is my pride and joy.

He knows most everything from Alma on down
WOO!
Someday I'll be his wife,
We'll share eternal life.

Oh how I Love that mormon boy!
WOO!

We are the mormon girls,
We wear our hair in curls.

We love to laugh and sing and have a lot of fun
WOO!
We are the biggest flirts,
We don't wear mini-skirts.

Oh how we love our mormon boys!
WOO!"

-you have more than one aunt/uncle that is younger than you

-the "EFY Medley" is your favorite song

-"Is the spirit telling you what its telling me?"

-writing in your journal is a daily event

-"I can't...I'm Mormon" has been an excuse on more than one occasion

-piano was your first instrument

-your mom is pregnant at the same time you are

-you have 3 or more BYU sweatshirts/shirts

-John Bytheway is your favorite comedian

-you refer to the Cougars as "we"

-you're the fastest one on the road

-a keg party consists of rootbeer

-BYU has been you're dream school since you were 5

-you either live in, have many friends from, or are from Utah

-"So, what color is your toothbrush?"

-being a "rebel" is drinking Mountain Dew more than twice in one week

-lumberjack, the newspaper game, and ride that pony are your 3 favorite games

-there are more women pregnant in your ward than not

-you consider a great date watching The Princess Bride!

- The laying on of hands has nothing to do with physical violence.


- Your hobby is work for the dead.


-you've ever pushed 120mph in a 55mph zone on the way to a church dance

- You've ever had your alarm set for 4:45 am

- Your first date was when you were 16 to a Church Dance and your parent was a chaperone.


-all your dishes have your name written on them with masking tape

-you think Jell-O is one of the basic food groups

-at least one of your salad bowls is at a neighbor's house

-you have never arrived at a meeting on time

-you have more wheat stored in your basement than most third world countries

-you've already got your order in for volume 50 of "The Work and The Glory"

-you think it's all right to watch football on Sundays as long as a direct descendant of Brigham Young is playing

-you have to guess more than five times the name of the child you're disciplining

-you automatically assume that BYOB means, Bring Your Own Burgers

-you go to a party and someone spikes the punch with Pepsi

-you arrive to an activity an hour late and are the first person there

-"Oh my Heck!" is your idea of swearing

-before "The Discussion" in fifth grade you think people get pregnant by praying for babies

-You say "the scriptures" instead of "the bible" and people are confused

-You knew how to iron your own white shirts/dresses before you were ten

-Quadruple combinations are passed down through generations

-The best present on your eighth birthday is a set of scriptures with your name EMBOSSED on the front cover

-You are the only person in your high school's theatre department who knows how to tie a necktie . . . and have to do so for every guy wearing one on stage . . .
and you're a girl

-An evening's hi-jinks involve "heart attacks" or "forking"

-You go to college and only know how to cook dishes in amounts of seven portions or more

-You think that spending more than three hours at church on Sunday is normal

-You think that the deacons, teachers, and priests in your church are either cute or really obnoxious

-You know exactly what Beehives, Mia Maids, and Laurels are, and have to explain what those are to your friends

-Your family owns a wheat grinder, bread machine, and vacuum packer

-you think the only sensible way to buy groceries is in bulk

-You know how to make brownies/cookies/frosting/muffins/pancakes/waffles from scratch

-You know what "from scratch" means

-Your family's satellite subscription package includes BYU Radio and BYU-TV

-You have more than one religious picture/statue in your home including in your bathroom and the rooms of you and your siblings

-You have never had your own room and will never have your own room because you go from home to college and college to marriage

-You think that sharing your dorm room with only ONE roommate is a luxurious arrangement

-You carry a military size Book of Mormon in your purse so that you have something to read if you get stuck waiting somewhere

-You think it's rude to call or come to someone's home unannounced on Monday night

-You look forward to yearly temple trips with Christmas-like anticipation (and then when a temple is built ten minutes from your house you drive by at every opportunity)

-You know that the "golden dude" on top of the temple is NOT doing a karate kick, but is holding a trumpet

-Your family spends more than 500 dollars on groceries each month at Costco

- Boys in your family are not allowed to drive until they reach Eagle Scout rank


-You think foreign language class in high school is good practice for your mission

-Your home room class (which was Seminary) raises more money during the Penny Drive than the rest of the school . . .
combined

-You feel like you've really missed out if you get sick on Sunday, especially if it's BYD Sunday

-You plan on spending your retirement years on missions

-Your favorite lunch hang-out is the Seminary building

-Your life is not complete without 1) passing off all six years of Girl's Camp 2)Earning your Young Womanhood Recognition award 3) Graduating Seminary 4)Graduating Institute and 5) Getting married in your favorite temple

-The only experience you've had with a Margarita is getting baptized for ten of them on your first temple trip... ( HAHAHAHAHAHAA! that is so funny!! )

-you get these jokes and you'll invite all your mormon friends to join

*Thanks to Jeff Foxworthy for coming up with most of these!*

Coming in to Twilight

SPOILER ALERT!!! READ NO FURTHER IF YOU HAVE NOT READ THESE BOOKS!!


So I am finally getting on the Twilight bandwagon. I just finished the last book yesterday, and it was a very enjoyable story. While my connection to the story was not as, er, VIVID as some I know, I was just as sucked in and wanting to know what happened next.



Everyone knows that this is not now, nor will it ever be, some great classic piece of literature, so I began to wonder what it was that was so very compelling to the female of our species. And it came to me: Edward is the ultimate female fantasy. He's gorgeous, educated and rich, he's strong, and just the right amount of forceful. He's kind, thoughtful, funny and a gentleman. Apparently he's no slouch in the sack, and what woman doesn't flutter just a bit at the idea of having someone love you so completely that he would literally rather die that remain on an earth that didn't have you on it anymore?! And I defy you to come up with an emotionally functional woman who's never had the fantasy of having the hottest guy in the world fall completely, irrevocably, passionately, and adoringly in love with her, never to look at another woman again.





And what woman can't identify with some part of Bella? Bella,who does not see herself as she actually is, but sells herself far short in most respects. Her story is every woman's fantasy in a lot of ways, too. She has a husband and a child, and while her pregnancy may have been hellish, it was, what, 3 weeks long?! No one who has been through that last month of pregnancy hasn't had that fantasy. THEN, she becomes immortal at the age of nearly nineteen and therefore, has no stretch marks! No cellulite! No wrinkes or Botox or plastic surgery in her future! No siree, Bob! I am all over that action!! No hormones or birth control. And parenting!! She'll never deal with the terrible twos or teething or really even puberty. While most of us spend roughly 20 years getting our offspring to the point where they won't totally blow it, she's got seven! She doesn't even have to worry about if her daughter will meet a nice guy. Then she gets to have a centuries-long honeymoon with her hot-beyond-belief husband, who is hot ONLY for her.


Gimme summa dat!

Honestly. How Compilicated Can it Be? Really.

I got this e-mail from my grandpa. He sends me the coolest stuff.

A Modern Parable.

A Japanese company ( Toyota ) and an American company (Ford Motor) decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.

On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.

The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.

Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 7 people steering and 2 people rowing.

Feeling a deeper study was in order; American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion.

They advised, of course, that too many people were st eering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.

Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 2 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager.

They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 2 people rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the 'Rowing Team Quality First Program,' with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rowers. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses. The pension program was trimmed to 'equal the competition' and some of the resultant savings were channeled into morale boosting programs and teamwork posters.

The next year the Japanese won by two miles.

Humiliated, the American management laid-off one rower, halted development of a new canoe, sold all the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses.

The next year, try as he might, the lone designated rower was unable to even finish the race (having no paddles,) so he was laid off for unacceptable performance, all canoe equipment was sold and the next year's racing team was out-sourced to India .

Sadly, the End.

Here's something else to think about: Ford has spent the last thirty years moving all its factories out of the US , claiming they can't make money paying American wages.

TOYOTA has spent the last thirty years building more than a dozen plants inside the US The last quarter's results:

TOYOTA makes 4 billion in profits while Ford racked up 9 billion in losses.

Ford folks are still scratching their heads, and collecting bonuses...

IF THIS WEREN'T SO TRUE IT MIGHT BE FUNNY

Creative Ads

So I was on a jaunt through the internet when fancy struck me. I've been taking this marketing class and so I decided to try to find some fun ads. The amount of creativity out there is truly amazing, I tell you! Look at some of these! I admit I was on something of a Message Binge, but it's cool just the same. It's easier not to feel preached to when it's cool, right?


I don't know about any of you, and apologies to any of you smokers who may be offended by these, but I thought these were pretty dang effective.







These are actually from a job-finding service in Germany. How clever is that?! I particularly shudder at the laundromat one.










These are a couple that just break my heart. The Unicef one makes me want to just go out and adopt!




This just makes me itch to wash my hands as soon as possible.....




And the rest are just random cleverness....










But, seriously, wouldn't you LOVE to be that creative?! What about you, bloggers? Have any ads that particularly speak to you?

An Excellent Question.......

My friend Katie sent me this e-mail. Too funny!



A Letter to the Bank


Dear Sirs,

In view of what seems to be happening internationally with banks at the moment, I was wondering if you could advise me correctly:

If one of my checks is returned marked "insufficient funds," how do I know whether that refers to me or to you?



Can I get an Amen?!

Not to nitpick.....

No, really. Honestly! This would be hysterical regardless of who won!

I Grieve

I debated long and hard before deciding to post this. After all, what's done is done. No use crying over spilt milk and all that. We should just accept our new reality and move on. And I will.


But permit me to grieve.


There is a new president. And it's a truly historic moment. We finally managed to prove to the world that we're not a nation of white supremacist pigs. Good for us.

You all know my political leanings by now, I'm sure. So it will come as no surprise to you to know that I did not vote for the man who is now the leader of our great nation. What saddens me is how many did vote for him. It might not be so bad if I thought they had voted for him because they understood what he represents. Well, yes it would. It would just be a different kind of bad. But the staggering amount of ignorance of political philosophy that has been displayed by 2/3 of my fellow citizens is making me pretty gut sick.

For those of you who need a refresher, Osama Obama is a socialist. This means that he thinks the government is responsible FOR the people, not TO them. This is one of those fundamental differences he's always on about. Practically speaking, this translates into a government entity that is larger and slower, less efficient and more intrusive than it already is. Socialism is all about everyone having the same amount of resources. That sounds very pretty, doesn't it? But the reality is less so. They accomplish this by what they call a "redistribution of wealth". Pardon me, but that is just politically correct terminology for theft. Any mugger on the street can claim to be redistributing income. At least the mugger is more honest about it, and doesn't pretend to be doing it for the greater good.


I grieve that 2/3 of America can't seem to tell the difference.


I read this quote today:

"As you know, whenever Democrats get in, taxes do go up. And if they go up and they work the way that Bill Clinton's tax plan worked, I'm okay with that. ... We want everybody to be able to go to the doctor. We want everybody to be able to do all the things they want to do -- then somebody's got to pay for it, and it's people making a lot of dough, and that's the way the American system has always been." --Whoopi Goldberg

I think I actually threw up a little in my mouth when I read this. For the record, that is NOT the way the American system has always been. It's only been that way for the past 40 years or so. The American system was founded on the belief that every person could and should do for themselves. That people led happier, more fulfilled lives when the direction of those lives was up to them, with the resources that they earned being distributed according to their own desires. We do want everyone to be able to do all the things they want to do. But we want them to pay for it for themselves!

When I hear people saying that the rich ought to pay for the needs of those with less, I have to say that they do. They create jobs for them. But our liberal friends do not consider that to be adequate, apparently. They seem to feel that if you are rich, you OWE something to those who aren't. What is it that our delightful first lady in waiting is always saying? THAT IN ORDER FOR SOME TO HAVE MORE OF THE PIE, OTHERS HAVE TO BE MADE TO GIVE UP SOME OF THEIRS. It may not be a direct quote, but the philosophy is there. What the illustrious Obamas fail to recognize is that this is America. We make more pie. There isn't just one to go around. Everybody makes their own, and yes, with varying degrees of success. Wealth is not a static quantity here. America was the first country to create the phrase "to MAKE money". And we mean it quite literally. We create wealth in this country.


I grieve that we have lost sight of this knowledge.


There is a word for the prisoners citizens of a socialist country.That word is PARASITE. Those who take by force what they cannot produce and cannot sustain from those who can. The goal of our glorious new leader is to make us a nation of parasites. Except the wealthy, of course, because they're the hosts. That's the grand aim of socialism. Everyone has the same, eventually. We'll all have nothing. Socialism is the harbinger of doom for wealth. Its basic tenet is "From each according to his ability. To each according to his need." How smart do you have to be before you figure out that there's no such thing as being successful under a socialist regime? Where's the incentive to earn any money or to try to get ahead, when the governement is just going to take whatever you earn and give it to someone else because they "need" it more that you do? Socailism is not sustainable. I find it bitterly ironic that America's first black president is the man who wants to lead us BACK into slavery. Because that's what the result of socialism is. The people become the slaves of the government.

Everyone is cheering as though this was a great victory for freedom, even as he slips the chains around our necks. They act as though the principles of socialism will yield the results of capitalism. This is foolishness bordering on insanity. It's like sticking your hand in a fire and expecting it to tickle.

I grieve that the people of this country are so uneducated.

They have handed control of the greatest nation on earth to a man who hates it. His words. He has no respect for this country, or anything it stands for. He has openly stated that if the political winds turn ugly, he will side with America's enemies. He wants to attack or abandon our allies, welcome our enemies and destroy us from the inside out. His closest friends and mentors are known criminals, vicious, hate-spewing racists, and unrepentant terrorists. But because he can dress it up with pretty words, (and because he's black and any attempt to point out character flaws in a black person MUST be racially motivated)we hand him the keys to the city.

I grieve.

But grief is hardening into resolve. He can't have my country without a fight. He may have been handed the office of President of the United States, but he is unworthy of it. And I do not acknowledge him as MY president. He is THE President. For now.