Tuesday, October 27, 2009
The "D" Word
You know how all those skinny people claim that they've fallen off the wagon so many times? Yeah. Well, I have not just fallen off the wagon, I have set it on fire and pushed it off of a cliff. Then I rolled down to the flames(because hiking down would have been exercise) and proceeded to roast marshmallows coated in peanut butter M&M's on the conflagration of my failure.
So, I'm still fat. I hate it, but apparently not enough to, y'know, exercise and eat things that aren't saturated in sugar. *sigh* I love sugar. I have made some small progress in self-awareness in that I have realized that eating is an anxiety response, as opposed to a depression response. It is a truly horrifying testament to my state of mind when I realize I am wishing almost desperately for depression so I can stop eating like like someone who's shortly going to require power tools, heavy machinery and police clearance to leave the house.
I can't seem to find any motivation. In some small defense, I am in my senior year of accounting (all online) and it's sucking my brain dry and scaring the daylights out of me. I've been a student for so long (6 years), I'm not entirely sure what a normal adult me will look like. So many changes coming. Good changes. But I'm pretty nearly scared witless. Which would contribute to the school difficulties. Hard to do well in school when lacking wits.
So, maybe I'm hoping for some encouraging words from the people out there. All one or two of you that read this.