Saturday, January 24, 2009

The End of Days or Signs that the Earth is Approaching Old Age

I'm sure you've all noticed the signs. I mean, they're obvious, aren't they? We all accept the Earth as a female, right? Well, she seems to be entering The Change, poor gal.

It was December. The Decembers of my youth (which isn't really all that far in the past)were wonderlands of snow. Piles. Drifts! It was pretty consistent. Some years we got less, most years we got more. In contrast, the Decembers of my maturity are stark, raving nuts. It was 35 degrees. This is not the strange part. December, and all. What's strange is that the day before it was 60 degrees. Mother Earth had a hotflash. There's no other explanation.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

You Might Be a Mormon If...........

-its not "the early bird catches the worm" its, "the seminary student gets into college"

-you say "provo", "salt lake", or "palmyra" without the state and automatically assume that the whole world knows where those places are

-there is a son on a mission and mom is pregnant with another.

-you know what a "fireside" is

-You go to a church potluck and there is every type of jello imaginable

-8 kids in a family is "average"

-your 14th and 16th birthdays are the best birthdays of your life

-you think "heck" is the place for people who do not believe in "gosh"

-you know how to pronounce and spell Mahonri Moriancumer

-you know what ZL, DL, AP, PPI, BYC, SYC, YSA, GA, EQP, EFY, YC, CTR, and BYU all stand for

-Modest is Hottest

-Youth Conference, EFY, and Girls Camp are the best 3 weeks of the year!

-mormon movies are amazing and Kirby Heyborne is your hero

-you drive into the church parking lot and at least half the lot is filled with 12 passenger vans

-you "Bless this food to nourish and strengthen" your body before eating doughnuts

-going 24 hours without eating is no longer a challenging thing

-a "Caffeine High" is eating a king size chocolate bar

-pick-up lines are the greatest things ever!

-"How many wives does your dad have?" is often the first question asked when someone finds out that you're mormon

-parents are disappointed if their kid "only" got into Harvard

-buying a prom dress is the most difficult thing of your life

-"Mormon, mormon, mormon, mormon,
Mormon, mormon, mormon, mormon.

I know a mormon boy,
He is my pride and joy.

He knows most everything from Alma on down
Someday I'll be his wife,
We'll share eternal life.

Oh how I Love that mormon boy!

We are the mormon girls,
We wear our hair in curls.

We love to laugh and sing and have a lot of fun
We are the biggest flirts,
We don't wear mini-skirts.

Oh how we love our mormon boys!

-you have more than one aunt/uncle that is younger than you

-the "EFY Medley" is your favorite song

-"Is the spirit telling you what its telling me?"

-writing in your journal is a daily event

-"I can't...I'm Mormon" has been an excuse on more than one occasion

-piano was your first instrument

-your mom is pregnant at the same time you are

-you have 3 or more BYU sweatshirts/shirts

-John Bytheway is your favorite comedian

-you refer to the Cougars as "we"

-you're the fastest one on the road

-a keg party consists of rootbeer

-BYU has been you're dream school since you were 5

-you either live in, have many friends from, or are from Utah

-"So, what color is your toothbrush?"

-being a "rebel" is drinking Mountain Dew more than twice in one week

-lumberjack, the newspaper game, and ride that pony are your 3 favorite games

-there are more women pregnant in your ward than not

-you consider a great date watching The Princess Bride!

- The laying on of hands has nothing to do with physical violence.

- Your hobby is work for the dead.

-you've ever pushed 120mph in a 55mph zone on the way to a church dance

- You've ever had your alarm set for 4:45 am

- Your first date was when you were 16 to a Church Dance and your parent was a chaperone.

-all your dishes have your name written on them with masking tape

-you think Jell-O is one of the basic food groups

-at least one of your salad bowls is at a neighbor's house

-you have never arrived at a meeting on time

-you have more wheat stored in your basement than most third world countries

-you've already got your order in for volume 50 of "The Work and The Glory"

-you think it's all right to watch football on Sundays as long as a direct descendant of Brigham Young is playing

-you have to guess more than five times the name of the child you're disciplining

-you automatically assume that BYOB means, Bring Your Own Burgers

-you go to a party and someone spikes the punch with Pepsi

-you arrive to an activity an hour late and are the first person there

-"Oh my Heck!" is your idea of swearing

-before "The Discussion" in fifth grade you think people get pregnant by praying for babies

-You say "the scriptures" instead of "the bible" and people are confused

-You knew how to iron your own white shirts/dresses before you were ten

-Quadruple combinations are passed down through generations

-The best present on your eighth birthday is a set of scriptures with your name EMBOSSED on the front cover

-You are the only person in your high school's theatre department who knows how to tie a necktie . . . and have to do so for every guy wearing one on stage . . .
and you're a girl

-An evening's hi-jinks involve "heart attacks" or "forking"

-You go to college and only know how to cook dishes in amounts of seven portions or more

-You think that spending more than three hours at church on Sunday is normal

-You think that the deacons, teachers, and priests in your church are either cute or really obnoxious

-You know exactly what Beehives, Mia Maids, and Laurels are, and have to explain what those are to your friends

-Your family owns a wheat grinder, bread machine, and vacuum packer

-you think the only sensible way to buy groceries is in bulk

-You know how to make brownies/cookies/frosting/muffins/pancakes/waffles from scratch

-You know what "from scratch" means

-Your family's satellite subscription package includes BYU Radio and BYU-TV

-You have more than one religious picture/statue in your home including in your bathroom and the rooms of you and your siblings

-You have never had your own room and will never have your own room because you go from home to college and college to marriage

-You think that sharing your dorm room with only ONE roommate is a luxurious arrangement

-You carry a military size Book of Mormon in your purse so that you have something to read if you get stuck waiting somewhere

-You think it's rude to call or come to someone's home unannounced on Monday night

-You look forward to yearly temple trips with Christmas-like anticipation (and then when a temple is built ten minutes from your house you drive by at every opportunity)

-You know that the "golden dude" on top of the temple is NOT doing a karate kick, but is holding a trumpet

-Your family spends more than 500 dollars on groceries each month at Costco

- Boys in your family are not allowed to drive until they reach Eagle Scout rank

-You think foreign language class in high school is good practice for your mission

-Your home room class (which was Seminary) raises more money during the Penny Drive than the rest of the school . . .

-You feel like you've really missed out if you get sick on Sunday, especially if it's BYD Sunday

-You plan on spending your retirement years on missions

-Your favorite lunch hang-out is the Seminary building

-Your life is not complete without 1) passing off all six years of Girl's Camp 2)Earning your Young Womanhood Recognition award 3) Graduating Seminary 4)Graduating Institute and 5) Getting married in your favorite temple

-The only experience you've had with a Margarita is getting baptized for ten of them on your first temple trip... ( HAHAHAHAHAHAA! that is so funny!! )

-you get these jokes and you'll invite all your mormon friends to join

*Thanks to Jeff Foxworthy for coming up with most of these!*

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Coming in to Twilight


So I am finally getting on the Twilight bandwagon. I just finished the last book yesterday, and it was a very enjoyable story. While my connection to the story was not as, er, VIVID as some I know, I was just as sucked in and wanting to know what happened next.

Everyone knows that this is not now, nor will it ever be, some great classic piece of literature, so I began to wonder what it was that was so very compelling to the female of our species. And it came to me: Edward is the ultimate female fantasy. He's gorgeous, educated and rich, he's strong, and just the right amount of forceful. He's kind, thoughtful, funny and a gentleman. Apparently he's no slouch in the sack, and what woman doesn't flutter just a bit at the idea of having someone love you so completely that he would literally rather die that remain on an earth that didn't have you on it anymore?! And I defy you to come up with an emotionally functional woman who's never had the fantasy of having the hottest guy in the world fall completely, irrevocably, passionately, and adoringly in love with her, never to look at another woman again.

And what woman can't identify with some part of Bella? Bella,who does not see herself as she actually is, but sells herself far short in most respects. Her story is every woman's fantasy in a lot of ways, too. She has a husband and a child, and while her pregnancy may have been hellish, it was, what, 3 weeks long?! No one who has been through that last month of pregnancy hasn't had that fantasy. THEN, she becomes immortal at the age of nearly nineteen and therefore, has no stretch marks! No cellulite! No wrinkes or Botox or plastic surgery in her future! No siree, Bob! I am all over that action!! No hormones or birth control. And parenting!! She'll never deal with the terrible twos or teething or really even puberty. While most of us spend roughly 20 years getting our offspring to the point where they won't totally blow it, she's got seven! She doesn't even have to worry about if her daughter will meet a nice guy. Then she gets to have a centuries-long honeymoon with her hot-beyond-belief husband, who is hot ONLY for her.

Gimme summa dat!

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Honestly. How Compilicated Can it Be? Really.

I got this e-mail from my grandpa. He sends me the coolest stuff.

A Modern Parable.

A Japanese company ( Toyota ) and an American company (Ford Motor) decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.

On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.

The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.

Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 7 people steering and 2 people rowing.

Feeling a deeper study was in order; American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion.

They advised, of course, that too many people were st eering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.

Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 2 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager.

They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 2 people rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the 'Rowing Team Quality First Program,' with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rowers. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses. The pension program was trimmed to 'equal the competition' and some of the resultant savings were channeled into morale boosting programs and teamwork posters.

The next year the Japanese won by two miles.

Humiliated, the American management laid-off one rower, halted development of a new canoe, sold all the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses.

The next year, try as he might, the lone designated rower was unable to even finish the race (having no paddles,) so he was laid off for unacceptable performance, all canoe equipment was sold and the next year's racing team was out-sourced to India .

Sadly, the End.

Here's something else to think about: Ford has spent the last thirty years moving all its factories out of the US , claiming they can't make money paying American wages.

TOYOTA has spent the last thirty years building more than a dozen plants inside the US The last quarter's results:

TOYOTA makes 4 billion in profits while Ford racked up 9 billion in losses.

Ford folks are still scratching their heads, and collecting bonuses...