Friday, May 23, 2008

A Note from HRM*

To the citizens of the United States of America and John Monahan, from Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. Look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise'. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary'). I will also arrange alphabet lessons so you understand that O is not a number and therefore does not replace ZERO - a number.
3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let M*crosoft know on your behalf. The M*crosoft spell- checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists.
The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without
suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body Armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.
13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
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15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God save the Queen.

*(This is an e-mail I got from my friend Katie. I have no idea who wrote it, but it made me laugh and I wanted to share. I also have no idea who John Monahan is, so if any of you bloggers would care to enlighten me, I'd be much obliged.)


Maryam in Marrakesh said...

This is brilliant - I am ready for colonization. sigh.

Marni Tiani Self said...

I was going to say if you wrote that OMG!! That's amazing though. Very intelligent.

Anonymous said...

I was absolutely with you on this one - right up till the baseball part! Sorry, but cricket makes no sense at all, and I can't give up my Dodgers. Although, if you leave that bit out - and require that the Dodgers return to Brooklyn - you so have my support!!

Blazing Goddess said...

I have to admit, I can't really go with the baseball part, either. And the 4th is my favorite holiday. I don't want to not celebrate it.

The Manic Street Preacher said...

Bleedin' hell babe!!! Yer don't want our lot runnin' the show. Bad enough you've got W already!

After three....

One two three..."Rule Britania Britania rules the waves...."

Mind you we have got proper football instead of that weird stuff you lot play.

Admitedly we aren't very good anymore but at least they use they're feet....

England and the USA. Only seperated by a common language eh? ;-)

Melain said...

"14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad."

That's hilarious.

Claudia said...

LMAO! Beautiful. But, like, can I still use the word, uh, wicked?? 'Cause, I don't know what I would do without it. ;)

Marni Tiani Self said...

I tagged you for a Meme, come and check it out and see if you want to play!


Anonymous said...

It was done by John Cleese (Monty Python).

All my British friends have sent it to me here in Texas!

Shirley said...

Hysterical (I laughed out loud at most of them ... I imagined the Queen saying them all) ... and it makes sense it came from John Cleese! (Bit of trivia--I have met his buddy, Michael Palin, and my family and I are in a BBC documentary with Palin about Hemingway. A totally unexpected result of going to a dude ranch one summer in Montana!)

Blazing Goddess said...

Thank you, Anonymous! That has been driving ME mad. I should have guessed. John Cleese is a classic.

Shirley- How cool is that?! Love Michael Palin. Totally random coolness. LOVE it when that happens.

BBC said...

You should read better books, and write shorter posts.

Shirley said...

I like that term, "random coolness." Every day should have a little random coolness!