Friday, March 14, 2008
At what point does a person have to admit to being an adult? The lines seem to have blurred to the point of invisibility these days. So I decided to put my admittedly oddball mind to this problem, and I have realized there are several unmistakable signs. Cues, if you will, from the world and from within oneself.
1. The news is no longer boring. You actually understand the words that are coming out of their mouths and those words almost invariably tick you off, especially in election years. Because now you know what an election year actually is.
2. Icicles no longer have such prodigious dimensions. In fact, nothing is as big as it used to be, and therefore, a little bit of the awe we felt for the world has left us.
3. The bright packaging on cereal and yogurt now gives you a headache, and for some reason it all just tastes kind of gross now.
4. All those awesome songs you grew up with- on tapes- are now in Classic Music Collections on infomercials.
5. When you talk with the current popular vernacular, the kids all give you looks that range from disgust to pity to extreme discomfort with the inablility to maintain eye contact. I mean, how do you explain to an old person that they are constitutionally incapable of being cool?
6. People look at your "cool/hip/rad/sick/bad/phat" vehicle and coughovercompensationcough while rolling their eyes.
7. People stop being impressed with your video game scores. Especially if it's the only thing you can claim any authority on. You begin to feel their laser gazes burning the word LOSER into your forehead, and yet can't quite grasp why.
8. You suddenly realize that you have cooked your own dinner and done your own laundry without calling your mother in a panic even once. (I found a black sock in the whites!!! It's too late!! I already washed AND dried everything!! WHAT DO I DO?!??!!?!?!!)
9. The new music coming out is crap! All that screaming, you can't even understand what they're saying! And is that man beating his head against the drum set?! No skill!!
10. You find yourself forced to acknowledge that kids today are spoiled brats. Every last one of 'em. They don't know what it means to really work/have to walk to school/use their imaginations, it could go on and on. They have it so easy and they're so UNGRATEFUL!
11. It no longer feels strange to admit that adults have first names, and you use them comfortably, even adults you knew as a kid.
12. You now understand why everyone's always so ticked off when taxes are mentioned.
13. You stop getting excited and drooly over Toys'R'Us commercials and start getting excited and drooly over ads for low interest rates, doorbuster sales and discount malls.
14. Finding a fabulous apartment that has rent control can bring you to tears faster than The Notebook.(Why didn't you write me?!)Even faster than watching the Yankees win another Series.
15.You accept that your parents really are smart people who know a bit about how the world works, and now you can't wait to pick their brains.
16. You feel undeniably compelled to apologize to your parents. Repeatedly. With gifts. And grovelling.
One of these days we'll all get the hang of this adulthood thing, but until then, I still get a thrill every time I see a Toys'R'Us commercial.